The wave of change

Yesterday I read Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. To say the book resonated with me is a gross understatement. I continue to be deeply affected by her words to the point of distraction. I feel motivated and moved to work my way through this book slowly and apply the ideas that seem so abstract to me in a very concrete way. I want to look at my own path and find my way to peace with food and with God. Because words have always been my path to personal enlightenment, I've decided to keep a completely anonymous blog to chronicle my journey.

My hope is that by sharing my deepest struggles and this inevitably tough journey with others, I can offer some encouragement to the countless other women in the same boat as I am.

What is that boat?

Basically, food has been my drug since I was a little girl. I've ridden the wave of losing/gaining/losing/gaining/losing/gaining weight so many times I've lost count. Just a couple of years ago, I was a tiny 120 pounds (but still hating myself) and have since avoided seeing that number climb up up up and away from me.

I think deep down I've always known that until I find a way to escape my obsession with food, I will always be stuck in this cycle. But, truly, it's easier to be stuck in the cycle that give up that one thing I've always leaned on to make me feel better even if for just a moment. Because escaping that moment was enough to shore me up and prepare me to move on to face the next one.

I'm terrified of going those moments alone. Today I tried for the first time. Today I failed. For the millionth time, I found myself shoveling food into my mouth straight from the pot and feeling that momentary relief, followed by guilt, anger, sadness. Only this time, I noticed that the pain following the momentary relief hurt worse. It was like a tidal wave that I still cannot shake off hours later.

I want to find a way to avoid that tidal wave. I want to find a way to peace, to a life full of love, light, and happiness. Not that happiness that comes with a new job or a first love.

The happiness, the contentment that stays like a steady, calm river. Always flowing forward but full of peace.

I now believe I can find that river. I deserve to find that river. I just have to put in the work first. Hard, backbreaking work.